Holding On

Have you ever planned and prepared for something and felt so good about the end result being what you desired because you just knew things were going to work out so very perfect? But then all of a sudden......SMACK! Everything comes crashing down, your stunned and not sure where to turn? Welcome to my world these past few months.
From a previous post I wrote, I mentioned how we had received the blessing of a donation. That got things in motion for us to do IVF once again. We were on cloud 9 knowing we didn't have to wait so long to move forward with things because of the generous help we had received. We knew a couple of things to change from the last IVF cycle we did that would benefit this next cycle. We kept thinking, "This is it! This is our time!"
Here is a small glimpse of what happened this cycle: huge headaches because my Oregon health provider is hard to work with, more daily shots then last round (yay for shots 2x a day), took new medication to help the quality of the eggs (yay for even more shots!), had extra daily ultrasounds in Utah because my eggs decided to grow at a snails pace, panic as i thought the eggs weren't going to progress as needed and we'd go home without doing the embryo transfer, then relief knowing we could still do the transfer and that we had more high quality embryos this round, then the dreaded 2 week wait again and then a big fat NEGATIVE! Really?! Did that just happen?
When Zach and I found out IVF had failed this round we were both in shock. I honestly didn't believe it. Yes, we took a pregnancy test early and yes you are not supposed to. SO because I knew you weren't supposed to I told myself it wasn't true. BUT last time I took the test early and it was positive so I was all sorts of confused. Well, the next day was my blood test and lets just say I didn't need to go in for the test as my body already told me I wasn't pregnant, but I did it any way. Why? Well for 2 reasons: 1- I called my fertility nurse in Utah and she said to do the blood work as they are surprised sometimes and 2- I wasn't really going to believe anything until I got an official answer from the doctors office. Basically I just like to torment myself and keep thinking everything will turn around and be just how I want it!
Well that didn't happen and I got a phone call telling me "I'm sorry but you're not pregnant." It's official then. This round of IVF failed. No future baby Powell is growing inside me. Now what? What do we do? How do we feel? I can't really answer the what do we do now question, but i can share how we felt: discouraged, frustrated, angry, lost, sad. Not too many positive feelings at the moment.
I shared with family the outcome and something I said to them was how this journey has so many hard things to go through, but one of the hard things for me now is knowing how many people have been praying for us, donated money to help us do IVF again, sent well wishes, kept us in their thoughts....and now I have disappointment (once again) to share with them. That honestly hurts my heart so much. Zach and I are so grateful for the love we've received. It would be the BEST feeling ever to share wonderful news back with those who have helped us in soooo many ways.
Man oh man this journey has been all over the place. To bring some good news in to the picture, we do have some extra embryos that made it! They are currently frozen and in the care of our fertility team in Utah. Can I just say how WONDERFUL it is to know we have the possibility to do a frozen embryo cycle and not a fresh cycle! If there's something positive to pull from this experience, its that we have some embryos waiting for us when we try again, Hallelujah! For those that don't know too much about IVF, if you do a frozen embryo transfer it is less money then a fresh cycle and not as many medications because you're not having to grow and produce eggs to create embryos as that part was already completed.
So there is my Hope.
We still have many questions for our doctor who we are waiting to talk with. I am not sure when or how our next step will happen.
I do want to end this with how I am currently feeling. This tends to change daily as some days I am better then others. But today I can't help but realize how much my Heavenly Father knows me and what I need to keep going. Through the trials I have been dealt he has been there providing the comfort I need. I have been surrounded by the best family and friends. MY HEART IS SO FULL knowing the love that is sent my (our) way. Thank you to everyone who keeps me going, lets me feel what I'm feeling and supports me in ways I didn't know I needed.
December is a month I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I thought I would be pregnant again and that all the horrible days we experienced last year around the holidays would then be turned into something good. I know some day I will understand the "why's" that clutter my mind. For now I just appreciate everyone listening and allowing the hard days to be hard, but helping me pick myself up and create some good days in between. Seriously, my heart is BURSTING with gratitude for you all!

Sending my love to everyone this Christmas season.

P.s. a huge shout out to my husband. I'd be even more lost if i didn't have you by my side. Love you forever!

A Simple Thank You

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”

This past weekend my family came to visit for the first time since we moved to Oregon 4.5 years ago.  It was the greatest and I am so grateful they all made the long trip out here. We had such a blast and made some great memories for sure!

There’s a moment that stood out to me during our get together. A moment that I don’t think I could ever forget. The first night we were all together, we had a little devotional and my dad started talking about Hope. Hope is something that pulls at my heart strings and is a word that’s always on my mind. Throughout our journey I’ve told Zach that I wouldn’t be able to keep going if I didn’t believe in Hope. That one simple word gives me the courage, drive and desire to keep going. Without it I would have nothing to push me or look forward to.

As a family we talked about Hope and what it means and then Zach and I received an envelope. In that envelope was our family, friends and neighbors support and love. In that envelope was a surprise donation on our behalf to keep our Hope alive. The overwhelming amount of love we felt in that moment is indescribable. To know so many people sacrificed on our behalf and gave what they could to us is so very humbling. I honestly do not know what to say except Thank You.

I told my mom after receiving such a gift, that I felt I needed to know who all donated so I could send a thank you note and someday return the favor back. Knowing this was an anonymous thing and no one knows who actually donated, all I can do is try and get this message to those who did and hopefully, down the road, we can pay it forward someday.

For Zach and I to know how loved we are and how hopeful others are for us, we are overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you to everyone that donated, that keeps us in their prayers and that sends us love. We are honored.

We are looking forward to our next step in this journey! We love you all!!

“In the end we only regret the chances we didn’t take”

Zach and Janae

A peek inside my heart

My heart is bursting out of my chest as I write this. If I can keep my fingers from shaking too much and get my thoughts together I will attempt to share with you what’s in my heart.  (side note: raw feelings about to be shared.)

I am a very private person. I’m also a “wear my heart on my sleeve” person, aka emotions flow easily. When it comes to personal matters I tend to keep it between me and whoever it may involve. I am not sure why I am feeling the desire to share, but have recently read some different post, letters, books, etc. that I guess lead me to this decision. This isn’t the start of a daily, weekly, monthly sharing of my thoughts. For me it’s just a in the moment type of thing. Who knows if or when I’ll share again.

Today is a day that my heart is aching. Over the last 5 years my heart has felt this feeling many times, but especially over the past ½ year. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin or how to lay my thoughts out there in a way to make sense. But I’ll try….

Zach and I began a journey together about 5 years ago that we never actually chose to go on. It was something we never expected and is a road we never wanted to travel. New life experiences are supposed to be exciting, fun, exhilarating, filled with happiness, right? I have to admit when we first decided to start a new chapter in our lives and wanted to start our family, I was excited. That rush of oh my goodness we are going to be parents this next year was so much fun to ponder. Then month after month, cycle after cycle, that rush of joy started to turn into confusion. That confusion turned into sadness. That sadness turned into fear.

After a couple years of not being able to conceive on our own, we started looking into other options to help us with our desire to have a family. We went to different doctors here and there, did lots of testing, took this pill and that pill, blood work, scans, ultrasounds, simple procedures and still NOTHING!!! Seriously, what the crap!

Here’s where my raw feelings come to play a little more. I know zach and I are not perfect and we have much to improve on and learn still, but we desire SO very much to raise a family and I cannot for the life of me understand why it is so simple and easy for some. And for us it’s a HUGE question mark! I can’t tell you how tired I am of hearing about all the oopsie babies out there in the world that were either a surprise, an accident, not wanted, unplanned……. UGH… I’ll take 1! Please, can I just at least have 1?!?! 

Ok, calming down now, so we realized that what we were doing wasn’t working and that we would need to take a large step forward and do IVF. (in-vitro-fertilization) OH WOW! I couldn’t believe this opportunity was available to us and that we were finally getting to do it. If you don’t know much about IVF, just understand it’s something that isn’t easily accessible to do at any time and when you want for MANY reasons. Mainly because (at least in my eyes)it’s not covered by insurance, it’s like buying a brand new car and it isn’t a 1 day take care of everything and your done. With that said, NOTHING would make me say it’s not worth it when you realize your dreams may be coming true at the end of it all!

So after many prayers of gratitude zach and I were able to do IVF in October 2014. There were many doctor visits, ultrasounds, blood work, shots in the belly, not feeling well moments, but it was all worth it as I knew I could be holding our own beautiful baby within the next year. Zach and I were hopeful, grateful, excited and happy. We knew our journey had finally taken a turn in the direction we’d been praying for for years! The many people we worked with to do IVF were amazing and so kind through it all. We truly were so grateful for the experience. Once the final procedure was done, the waiting game took a hold of us. Were our dreams coming true? Are our lives about to change forever? In short, YES! Our lives were changed forever as we found out we were expecting our first ever beautiful little baby. MY HEART WAS ON FIRE with happiness!  

Every day since we had found out and saw our little being for the first time, I would cradle my belly and say I love you to our little one all day long. I was so grateful. The moments of sharing the news with family was beyond amazing. Tears come to me now as I just watched all those moments before sitting down to write this. We recorded all our family members finding out we were expecting and seeing the joy they had on their faces overwhelms me.

I honestly can say I don’t think I have ever been so happy. … the fact that I have to add a “but” here breaks my heart into a million pieces one again. … How do I even explain what happened next? As I fight back tears to share this tendered moment in my life I first want to say thank you to ALL that shared in our joy and that have prayed for Zach and I. We have felt it so much and can’t express in words how blessed we are with the best family and friends out there.

(deep breath) On December 24, 2014 we went to a doctors appointment where we were to hear our childs heartbeat for the first time (I was 10 weeks along). We had seen a strong heartbeat 2 weeks prior and went to this appointment full of smiles and joy to see our little one again and finally hear the heartbeat. In one simple moment our lives literally stopped. The doctor kept searching silently for a heartbeat and I just knew something was not right. In that moment I felt lost, hopeless, shocked.  It took all I had in me to sit up and hug Zach. We then headed over to the hospital where they wanted to confirm what the OB office saw. We saw our little angel which had grown in size since we saw it last, but the heart was silent… had no movement. The worse pain I have ever felt was in that moment. Everything came crashing down. There are no words I can share to describe this experience.

“Dear God, I’m trusting you. I know you heard my prayer. Your time, not mine.”

My heart sinks thinking about the family members that had to hear our painful news on Christmas Eve. But I know with the family that we have and the love that we all share, it was something that we needed to share and something they would’ve wanted to hear then and not find out later. I can’t say enough about the family and friends we have and the strength they gave us.

Through the couple of months I was given the blessing of carrying a child, I am forever grateful. This little angel baby that we have looking over us now is so amazing to think about. Although I wish with all my heart that I could be holding my baby in a couple of months in my arms, I can still look back and say I am so happy to have gone through IVF and experienced the beauty that came from the pregnancy we had. Nothing will take a way that experience and I will hold onto it forever.

“I may have only held you in my womb for a moment, but I will hold you in my heart forever”

We may not know where our journey is going next or what opportunities we may have ahead of us, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to never give up. I will forever have hope in my heart.

“Never give up on something you can’t go a day without thinking about”

For those that knew about our journey and don’t know what to do now or if you’re a friend/family hearing this news for the first time, one thing I would ask is that you understand that being silent around me or avoiding certain topics tend to make me feel more isolated. Like I said starting this out, I am a private person and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but isolation feels a lot worse than shedding a few tears because a new baby is being talked about. Please know I appreciate the respect, the giving me space and time, the not wanting to stir the emotions, but I am ok. It may take me a moment to catch my breath before engaging in baby talk, I may delay a congrats on your new bundle of joy, it’s possible I will shed some tears in front of you… but that’s me. And it’s all I can be. My love and joy for those out there expanding their own families is there, promise. It’s just a little harder to show these days. I understand the joy in that little heartbeat and wish nothing but the best on your own journeys.

Thank you to everyone who has listened, lifted me up, been understanding, prayed on our behalf and who has kept us in their hearts. We really do have the best of friends and family.