Have you ever planned and prepared for something and felt so good about the end result being what you desired because you just knew things were going to work out so very perfect? But then all of a sudden......SMACK! Everything comes crashing down, your stunned and not sure where to turn? Welcome to my world these past few months.
From a previous post I wrote, I mentioned how we had received the blessing of a donation. That got things in motion for us to do IVF once again. We were on cloud 9 knowing we didn't have to wait so long to move forward with things because of the generous help we had received. We knew a couple of things to change from the last IVF cycle we did that would benefit this next cycle. We kept thinking, "This is it! This is our time!"
Here is a small glimpse of what happened this cycle: huge headaches because my Oregon health provider is hard to work with, more daily shots then last round (yay for shots 2x a day), took new medication to help the quality of the eggs (yay for even more shots!), had extra daily ultrasounds in Utah because my eggs decided to grow at a snails pace, panic as i thought the eggs weren't going to progress as needed and we'd go home without doing the embryo transfer, then relief knowing we could still do the transfer and that we had more high quality embryos this round, then the dreaded 2 week wait again and then a big fat NEGATIVE! Really?! Did that just happen?
When Zach and I found out IVF had failed this round we were both in shock. I honestly didn't believe it. Yes, we took a pregnancy test early and yes you are not supposed to. SO because I knew you weren't supposed to I told myself it wasn't true. BUT last time I took the test early and it was positive so I was all sorts of confused. Well, the next day was my blood test and lets just say I didn't need to go in for the test as my body already told me I wasn't pregnant, but I did it any way. Why? Well for 2 reasons: 1- I called my fertility nurse in Utah and she said to do the blood work as they are surprised sometimes and 2- I wasn't really going to believe anything until I got an official answer from the doctors office. Basically I just like to torment myself and keep thinking everything will turn around and be just how I want it!
Well that didn't happen and I got a phone call telling me "I'm sorry but you're not pregnant." It's official then. This round of IVF failed. No future baby Powell is growing inside me. Now what? What do we do? How do we feel? I can't really answer the what do we do now question, but i can share how we felt: discouraged, frustrated, angry, lost, sad. Not too many positive feelings at the moment.
I shared with family the outcome and something I said to them was how this journey has so many hard things to go through, but one of the hard things for me now is knowing how many people have been praying for us, donated money to help us do IVF again, sent well wishes, kept us in their thoughts....and now I have disappointment (once again) to share with them. That honestly hurts my heart so much. Zach and I are so grateful for the love we've received. It would be the BEST feeling ever to share wonderful news back with those who have helped us in soooo many ways.
Man oh man this journey has been all over the place. To bring some good news in to the picture, we do have some extra embryos that made it! They are currently frozen and in the care of our fertility team in Utah. Can I just say how WONDERFUL it is to know we have the possibility to do a frozen embryo cycle and not a fresh cycle! If there's something positive to pull from this experience, its that we have some embryos waiting for us when we try again, Hallelujah! For those that don't know too much about IVF, if you do a frozen embryo transfer it is less money then a fresh cycle and not as many medications because you're not having to grow and produce eggs to create embryos as that part was already completed.
So there is my Hope.
We still have many questions for our doctor who we are waiting to talk with. I am not sure when or how our next step will happen.
I do want to end this with how I am currently feeling. This tends to change daily as some days I am better then others. But today I can't help but realize how much my Heavenly Father knows me and what I need to keep going. Through the trials I have been dealt he has been there providing the comfort I need. I have been surrounded by the best family and friends. MY HEART IS SO FULL knowing the love that is sent my (our) way. Thank you to everyone who keeps me going, lets me feel what I'm feeling and supports me in ways I didn't know I needed.
December is a month I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. I thought I would be pregnant again and that all the horrible days we experienced last year around the holidays would then be turned into something good. I know some day I will understand the "why's" that clutter my mind. For now I just appreciate everyone listening and allowing the hard days to be hard, but helping me pick myself up and create some good days in between. Seriously, my heart is BURSTING with gratitude for you all!
Sending my love to everyone this Christmas season.
P.s. a huge shout out to my husband. I'd be even more lost if i didn't have you by my side. Love you forever!
